Joke Of The Day

Accounting Jokes

City boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from

an old farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey

the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry

son, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."

Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny said, "OK then, at least give me the donkey."

The farmer asked, "What are you going to do with him?"

Kenny replied, "I'm going to raffle him off."

Farmer exclaimed, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Kenny replied, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody

he is dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What

happened with that dead donkey?"

Kenny said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 a piece and

made a profit of £898."

Farmer asked, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Kenny replied, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his money


Kenny grew up and eventually became a partner in a large international accounting firm.


An architect, an artist and an accountant were discussing whether it was better

to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for

an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and

mystery he found there.

The accountant said, "I like both."


The accountant replied "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, They will each

assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office

and get some work done."

A partner is discussing ethics policy with his manager. He says,

"We take ethics very seriously around here. Remember, we are

professionals not businessmen."

The young manager is impressed. The partner elaborates,

"Yesterday I received a cheque from a client. They paid

£2,500 more than our bill. Immediately an ethical question

arose, shall I tell my other partners?"

Three accountants walk into a bar, and each orders a beer. They raise their glasses and make a toast: "Here's to 59!" After downing their beers, they order another round and make the same toast: "Here's to 59!"This happens again and again. Finally, the barman asks the accountants what the significance of the toast is. "Well," said one of them, "we put a 1,000-piece jigsaw Puzzle together in just 59 days!" "And that's a big deal?" asked the barman. "You bet," said the same accountant, "the box said 4 to 8 YEARS!!!"

A management consultant husband and his accountant wife had their 20 years marriage anniversary. They both were also celebrating their 40 th birthdays. During the double celebration, a fairy godmother appeared and announced that since they had remained such a loving couple all those years, they each got one wish.

Being the faithful, loving spouse for all these years, naturally the accountant wife wanted for her and her husband to have a romantic holiday together, so she made a wish for them to travel around the world. The fairy godmother waved her wand and boom, she had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the management consultant husband’s turn. The fairy godmother assured him he could have any wish he wanted, all he needed to do was ask for his heart’s desire.

He paused for a moment, then said “Well, to be truthful, I’d like to have a woman 20 years younger than me”. The fairy godmother picked up her wand and boom, he was 60.

A trainee accountant joined the headquarters of a large firm. He was a graduate from a famous university. On his first day he dialled the canteen and shouted into the phone, “Get me some coffee, quick”!

The voice from the other side responded “You fool you’ve dialled the wrong extension! Do you know who you are talking to?”

“No”, replied the trainee accountant.

“It’s the Managing Partner, you fool”! The voice shouted back.

The trainee did some quick thinking and asked forcefully “And do you know who YOU are talking to, you fool?”

“No,” replied the Managing Partner.

“Good”, said the trainee as he hung up.

A man, called to testify at the Inland Revenue, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his Vicar, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the Vicar.

"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. “Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V-neck right down to your navel."

The man protested, "What does all this have to do with my problem with the Revenue?"To which the Vicar replied, "No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool at the back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests...I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!! There was his accountant in the pool swimming with all he could...the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire was impressed. He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain...which do you want, my daughter or the million dollars?" The man says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!

Two accounting partners were busy enough in their practice that they occasionally had time to wave 'hi' to each other as they passed on their way to their respective offices. At one point they decided to schedule lunch together to catch each other up on their latest and greatest work. As they both sat down and unfurled their menus, one of the partners suddenly started up and said, "I have to leave immediately!" The other partner looked him in the eye and said, "Whatever for? "I left the safe open back in the office!" The other partner shrugged and looked back at his menu. "What are you worried about? We're both here."

Three candidates are short listed for a job, an economist, a mathematician and an accountant. They're all equally excellent, experienced and personable, etc.

So the chairman asks each the simple question "what is two and two?"

The first replies "Four"

The second replies " Statistically anything between 3.999 and 4.0111"

The third replies "well what do you want it to be?"

A young accountant dies. He immediately goes up to heaven (wishful thinking we know) and meets Peter. Because Peter is an organised sort of Saint, he goes through the required details.

Peter: “How old are you”?

The accountant: “33”

Peter: “That's impossible”!

The accountant: “Why”?

Peter: “I have looked at your time sheets and examined the hours that your have charged your clients - by my reckoning you are at least 97”!

A fellow has been learning to be a balloonist and takes his first solo flight. Unfortunately the wind gets up, he is blown off course and is forced to land. He is in a paddock close to a road but has no idea where he is. He sees a car coming along the road and hails it.

The driver gets out and the balloonist says, "G'day mate, can you tell me where I am?"

"Yes, of course", says the motorist. "You have just landed in your balloon and with this wind you have obviously been blown off course. You are in the top paddock on John Dawson's farm, 13.5 kilometres from Condobolin. John will be ploughing the paddock next week and sowing wheat. There is a bull in the paddock. It is behind you and about to attack you."

At that moment the bull reaches the balloonist and tosses him over the fence. Luckily he is unhurt. He gets up, dusts himself off and says to the motorist, "I see you're an accountant".

"Good Grief", says the other man, "you're right. How did you know that?"

"I employ accountants", says the balloonist. "The information you gave me was detailed, precise and accurate. Most of it was useless and it arrived far too late to be of any help."

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the edge of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Jeep Cherokee screeches to a halt next to him. The driver, a young man dressed in a Brioni suit, Cerruti shoes, Ray-Ban glasses, and a YSL tie gets out and asks the shepherd “If I guess how many sheep you have, can you give me one of them”?

The shepherd looks at the young man, then looks at the sheep, which graze and says: - “All right”.

The young man parks the car, connects the notebook and the mobile, enters a NASA site, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 excel tables filled with algorithms, then prints a 150-pages report on his high-tech mini printer. He then turns to the shepherd and says: - “You have exactly 1586 sheep here”.

The shepherd answers: - “That's correct, you can have your sheep”. The young man takes the sheep and puts it in the back of his jeep. The shepherd looks at him and asks: “If I guess your profession, will you return my sheep to me”? The young man answers: “Yes, why not”.

The shepherd says: - “You are an Arthur Andersen consultant”! “How did you know”? asks the young man. “Very simple”, answers the shepherd, “First you come here without being called. Second, you charge me, to tell me something I already knew. Third, you do not understand anything about what I do, because you took my dog”!

Three engineers and three accountants are travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket"? asks an accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that).

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant."Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket, please."

Two men walked into a bar late one afternoon and noticed that, among the few customers, was one man sitting quietly in the shadows at the end of the bar. The two ordered some beers. The barman brought them and said, "that will be 50 pence please." They started a tab and a short time later ordered two more beers and again they were charged 25 pence each. The two could not believe the good deal and after having a third

beer for the same price, they decided to ask the barman what the catch was. The barman replied, "there is no catch, gentlemen. I have just started brewing this beer on site and I am selling it below cost to introduce it to my customers. I am happy to see that you enjoy the beer."


Indeed, they noticed that almost everyone was enjoying the beer and the remarkable price except for the one man at the end of the bar. He had not ordered anything since the two came in. Becoming very curious about the man at the end of the bar, the two asked the barman, "Doesn't he ever order anything?" "Oh yes," said the bartender. "That is our accountant. He is just waiting for happy hour."

After successfully passing the finals of his professional examinations, this brave young accountant opened his own accountancy practice. On the first day at the office he was sat at his desk, twiddling his thumbs, worrying how his career is going to take-off and so pay all the bills.

His secretary stepped into his room and announced "There is a Mr Smith to see you". He replied with glee, "Show him in". He got a flash idea, picked up the phone and started saying loudly, "And you can tell them that we won't accept less than fifty thousand pounds. Don't even call me until they can agree to that amount!"

Slamming the phone down, he stood up and greeted Mr Smith. "Good morning Mr Smith. What can I do for you?"

Mr Smith smirked and said, "I work for the phone company. I am here to connect your phones."

An accountant has been working for a billionaire client for 25 years. To celebrate the event, the billionaire says he would like to get the accountant a present. So, the accountant asks for a set of golf clubs. "How many are in a set?" asks the billionaire. "Basically, fourteen" replies the accountant. "Should be able to do that", says the billionaire.A month passes, and the accountant is starting to wonder if perhaps he should have been more modest and ask for a watch. When the billionaire calls again, he says "I have got you some golf clubs". "Thank you" says the accountant, "It is really very generous and……""Hell" says the billionaire cutting him off. "It's nothing. I wasn't even able to get you a full set. Just the ten. It's worse than that too. Only six of them have hotels within the grounds".

The teacher was in front of her new class and decided to ask each child their name and what their dad's did.

The first child said "My name's Jenny and my dad's a mechanic".

Second child said "My name's Sammy and my dad's a bus driver".

The third child said "My names Johnny and my dad's a nude dancer".

The teacher gasped but moved on.

Later she went up to the child in the playground and said "Is that true about your dad dancing naked"?

"Nah!" said Johnny " He actually works as an accountant but I was too embarrassed to say so".

A doctor and an accountant had a car accident, on a small country road. The accountant had figured that nobody else would be on the road, and had raced through a stop sign. The doctor, on a cross street, had no time to react and couldn't have missed the accountant if he had tried. Fortunately, neither driver was hurt.The accountant, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from his battered car and offered him a drink from a hip flask. The doctor accepted, took a deep drink, and handed the flask back to the accountant. The accountant held the flask for a minute or two, and gave it to the doctor again. The doctor took another swig. He again returned the flask to the accountant, who closed it and put it away."Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor."Not now," answered the accountant. "I'll have something after the police leave."

Two accountancy students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second accountant replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first accountant nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't fit."

An accountant visited the Natural History museum. While standing near the dinosaur he said to his neighbour: "This dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old".

"Where did you get this exact information?"

"I was here ten months ago, and the guide told me that the dinosaur is two billion years old."

Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc.

While this is going on, Accountant number one jams something in Accountant number two's hand. Without looking down, Accountant number two whispers, "What is this?" to which Accountant number one replies, "it's that £50 I owe you."

A patient was at her doctor's office after undergoing a complete physical examination. The doctor said, "I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live."

The patient asked, "Oh doctor, what should I do?"

The doctor replied, "Marry an accountant."

"Will that make me live longer?" asked the patient.

"No," said the doctor, "but it will SEEM longer."

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Want to hear an accountant joke?"

The guy next to him replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know that I'm 6 feet tall, 200 pounds, and I'm an accountant. And the guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall, 225 pounds, and he's an accountant. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?"

The first guy says, "No, I don't want to have to explain it twice."

A 54-year-old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one evening which read: "Dear Wife, I am 54 years old, and by the time you get this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy eighteen year old secretary."

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows: "Dear Husband, I too am 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Savoy Hotel with my eighteen year old toy boy. Because you are an accountant, you will surely appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18."

A young accountant spends a week at his new office with the retiring accountant he is replacing. Each and every morning as the more experienced accountant begins the day, he opens his desk drawer, takes out a worn envelope, removes a yellowing sheet of paper, reads it, nods his head, looks around the room with renewed vigor, returns the envelope to the drawer, and then begins his day's work.

After he retires, the new accountant can hardly wait to read for himself the message contained in the envelope in the drawer, particularly since he feels so inadequate in replacing the far wiser and more highly esteemed accountant. Surely, he thinks to himself, it must contain the great secret to his success, a wondrous treasure of inspiration and motivation. His fingers tremble anxiously as he removes the mysterious envelope from the drawer and reads the following message:

"Debits in the column toward the file cabinet.Credits in the column toward the window."

A fellow is walking into a hospital and sees two doctors down on their hands and knees in one of the flower beds. He goes over and says, "Can I help? Have you lost something?" "No," says one of the doctors. "We're about to do a heart transplant on an accountant and we're looking for a suitable stone."

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young accountant who was fresh out of a large accounting practice, "What starting salary were you thinking about?"

The Accountant said, "In the neighborhood of £50,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks holiday, full medical and dental, Company Retirement Fund to 50% of salary, Executive Share Option Scheme, Profit Related Pay and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a 5 series BMW?"

The Accountant sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

Three accountants were in the urinal performing their morning constitutional. The first finishes and walks over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeds to dry his hands very carefully. He uses paper towel after paper towel and ensures that every single spot of water on his hands is dried. Turning to the other 2 accountants, he says - "Chartered Accountants are trained to be extremely thorough".

The second finishes his task at the urinal and he proceeds to wash his hands. He uses a single paper towel and makes sure that he dries every drop of water from his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He turns and says - "Certified Accountants are not only are we trained to be extremely thorough but we are also trained to be extremely efficient".

The third accountant finishes and walks straight for the door. "Management Accountants learn not to wee on their hands."

An economist died and was carried by angels to heaven. There St Matthew, the tax collector, greeted him and took him on a tour beyond the Pearly Gates. Off in the distance, the economist spotted an imposing wall beyond a moat filled with menacing creatures. "What's beyond the wall?" he whispered. "Oh that," replied St Matthew. "That's where we put the accountants ... they think they're the only ones here."

A man says to his godfather, "My nephew is a fine accountant, he's both deaf and dumb, but he really knows his stuff. Can you use him?"

His godfather loves the idea, and the man translates for his nephew during the interview. He is hired on the spot. Six months later, £4 million is discovered missing. The godfather asks the uncle to translate for the nephew as he investigates the matter.

Godfather: "I want the £4 million."

Nephew (in sign language): "I don't know anything about it!"

Uncle: "My nephew says he doesn't know anything about it!"

Godfather pulls out an enormous revolver, and says, "Tell him he's got 10 seconds to tell me where the dough is!"

Nephew (in sign language): "Out in the back yard. Stand at the base of the oak tree. Ten paces due west. Dig down two feet. It's in a plastic bag."

Uncle: "My nephew says you haven’t got the guts to pull that trigger!"

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your girlfriend for an entire week."

The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll marry you, cook your meals, and do your laundry." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you that I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll marry you, I'll cook your meals and even do your laundry. Why won't you kiss me?"

The man said, "Look, I'm an accountant. I don't have time for a wife, but a talking frog is cool!

Bill the accountant and two associates were going to an audit one day. They parked their car and got out. Then Bill realized that the keys were still in the car and the doors were locked.

"What are we going to do," said Bill. One accountant said, "Well, we could get a coat hanger and try to unlock the door." The second accountant said, "We could try to pry the door open."

Bill then replied, "Well, whatever you do, you'd better hurry. A storm is coming and the top is still down."

Sitting in a compartment on a train were the tooth fairy, an expensive accountant and a cheap accountant. On a table between them was placed a briefcase full of money.

Suddenly the train entered a tunnel and everything went dark. When the train exited the tunnel and the light returned, the briefcase was gone. Who took the briefcase?...

Well, it's obvious really. It had to be the expensive accountant as there's no such thing as the tooth fairy or a cheap accountant!

"Accountants Are Not Stupid Seminar."

The host of the seminar says "We are all here today to prove to the world that Accountants are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?" One Accountant steps up. The host says to him "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds he says "Eighteen."

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 Accountants start cheering "Give him another chance, give him another chance." The host says "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you here and the world wide press, I guess we can give him another chance."

So he says "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says "Ninety?" The host sighs - everyone is crestfallen and the Accountants starts crying and 80,000 accountants start yelling "Give him another chance, give him another chance."

The host, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says "Ok! One more chance. What is 2 plus 2?" The accountant closes his eyes and after a whole minute eventually says "Four."

Around the stadium 80,000 accountants start yelling "Give him another chance, give him another chance."

A fellow goes into a golf shop in Scotland and sees a number of unique head covers, the most unusual one being the head of a rat. He takes it to the shop owner and asks how much.

"Well, laddie," the old gent replies, "the clubhead cover'll be £10, but for a thousand more you get to hear the grand story behind it."

"Here's the £10," the man replies. "I'll take the cover. You can keep the story."

The next day, on the links of St. Andrews, the man is walking down the Road Hole. Suddenly, several rats scurry out of the sewers and start to follow him. He begins to run, but rats keep appearing from everywhere from the sewers and from the fairway creek. He's almost exhausted and out of breath when he reaches the cliffs overlooking the sea. In desperation, he rips the head cover from his driver and heaves it into the sea. The rats follow it into the water. Upon leaving the course, the man returns immediately to the little golf shop.

The old Scotsman sees him and with a sly smile says, "Aye, laddie, and I'd be suspectin' that you came back for the story, eh?"

"Well, actually," the man replies, "I was hoping you had a cover shaped like an accountant."

Once there was a Scottish accountant. The firm had been in the family for generations and generations. Over time, with the countless clients that had gone in and out of the office, the marble step in front of the building had developed a big, deep dip in it from all the wear and tear. His friends kept telling the accountant that he had better get it replaced, otherwise he'd be sued for everything he had if anyone ever slipped and fell.

Reluctantly, the accountant called a stonemason to get a quote for the repairs. When the stonemason got there the accountant demanded a price for a new step. “Aye, big job that”, said the stonemason, ”But I suppose I could give you a new step for a hundred pounds”. The accountant was stunned. “Are you daft, man. I canna pay you a hundred pounds”! Thinking about it for a second he turned to the stonemason and asked “What would you charge me to dig up the step and turn it over so that the worn part is in the ground and I'd get a new square step”? The stonemason hesitated. “20 pounds”. “Do it”! demanded the accountant, “and call me when you're done”.

The CA went back inside to his books, but after only 15 minutes the stonemason rang the bell. As the accountant opened the door, he saw the stonemason standing in a hole with the step, laughing as he said “Your great-great-great granddaddy thought of that a hundred and fifty years ago”!

An accountant goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner shows him three identical parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot on the left costs £500."

"Why does that parrot cost so much?" asks the accountant.

"Well," replies the owner, "it knows how to do complex audits."

"How much does the middle parrot cost?" asks the accountant.

"That one costs £1,000 because it can do everything the first one can do plus it knows how to prepare financial forecasts".

The startled accountant asks about the third parrot, to be told it costs £4,000. Needless to say, this begs the question, "What can it do?" To which the owner replies

"To be honest, I've never seen him do a darn thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner."

Two Norwegian brothers discussing the implications for Cost Accounting: Ole and Sven went on a fishing trip to Canada and came back with only three fish.

Sven says, "The way I figger it, Ole, each of them fish cost us £400."

Ole says, "Well at dat price it's a good ting we didn't catch any more of 'em than we did."

This is a true story.

An auditor was examining the balance sheet of a mining company that had just bought a sheep station in the Pilbara area of Western Australia. The reason for the purchase was partly for the thousands of acres that the station covered and partly for the thousands of sheep that ranged over those thousands of acres. The auditor, being very diligent, noted that the value of the sheep formed a significant asset and, like all good auditors, knew that he would have to verify that asset. He chartered an aircraft and flew up to the station. The manager was at the airstrip to meet him.

"Hello," he said. "I'm the auditor. I've come to count the sheep."

An economist and an accountant are walking along a large puddle. They come across a frog jumping in the mud. The economist says: "If you eat the frog I'll give you £20,000!"

The accountant checks his budget and figures out he's better off eating it, so he does and collects money.

Continuing along the same puddle they almost step onto yet another frog. The accountant says: "Now, if you eat this frog I'll give you £20,000."

After evaluating the proposal the economist eats the frog and gets the money.

They go on. The accountant starts thinking: "Listen, we both have the same amount of money we had before, but we both ate frogs. I don't see us being better off."

The economist: "Well, that's true, but you overlooked the fact that we've been just involved in £40,000 of trade."

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated.""And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Inland Revenue. Write on the envelope, "Now, you have everything."

An accountant appears at Saint Peter's gate. Saint Peter starts asking him all the usual questions required to get into heaven.

The accountant, it seems, has repeatedly helped people cheat on their taxes and embezzle funds. Finally, in exasperation, St Peter asks, "Well, have you ever done anything good, anything totally unselfish and altruistic in your entire life?" "Well," says the accountant, "Once I saw this pretty lady being beaten up and about to be raped by a bunch of thugs. So I yelled "Hey jerks, why don't you pick on somebody your own size" and took off running. They forgot about her for a second and she managed to run also.

Saint Peter asks, "I'm looking through the book of your life, and I don't see this incident recorded. When did it occur?"

The accountant replies, "About five minutes ago."

An accountant is lying on the beach next to a lawyer. The lawyer comments that a fire had destroyed his office and as soon as he collected the insurance proceeds, he would rebuild.

The accountant responded: "What a remarkable coincidence, a flood had destroyed his office and as soon as he collected the insurance proceeds he would rebuild."

After a few moments the lawyer asked: "So how do you start a flood anyway?"

The company owner is dying and calls in his lawyer and his accountant. The owner says "I am dying and I want to try taking my wealth with me. At my funeral put these envelopes in my grave. So at the funeral, the lawyer and the accountant put the envelopes in the grave.

In the limousine on the way home the lawyer feels bad and tells the accountant that he had opened the envelope, found one hundred thousand in cash and had taken fifty thousand out. The lawyer had justified that as his fee, but now he felt bad.

The accountant responded "How could you have disregarded a dying man's last request? How could you charge a fee of fifty percent? You should be ashamed of yourself, I left my personal cheque for the full amount."

An Engineer and an Accountant are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York. The Engineer leans over to the Accountant and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Accountant just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The Engineer persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lotta fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me £5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you £50." Again, the Accountant politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The Engineer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me £5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you £50!" This catches the Accountant's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.

The Engineer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The Accountant doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five pound note and hands it to the Engineer. Now, it's the Accountant's turn. He asks the Engineer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?" The Engineer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers -- all to no avail.

After about an hour, he wakes the Accountant and hands him £50. The Accountant politely takes the £50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The Engineer, more than a little miffed, shakes the Accountant and asks "Well, so what's the answer?" With out a word, the Accountant reaches into his wallet, hands the Engineer £5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the Inland Revenue Tax Investigator who had come to review his records.At one point the investigator exclaimed, "Mr. Smith, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the UK. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile.""Thank goodness," returned Mr. Smith, with a giant grin on his face, "I thought you were going to want me to pay with cash."

Medical research has now confirmed that marijuana use has definite medicinal properties for treatment of glaucoma and other illnesses. The Inland Revenue has now ruled that expenses of medicinal marijuana can be deducted as a medical expense......However, only if you file a joint return.

A doctor and an accountant were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the accountant and grumbled, "I hate it when people seek free advice from me at parties." The accountant replied, "I know just what you mean. It happens to me all the time." "How do you handle it"? asked the doctor. "It seems rude not to answer a question when you are asked for advice during a social function." "I just send the person a bill for the time" replied the accountant. "That is good," said the doctor. "I'll have to remember that."The doctor went home and thought about writing a bill to the man who asked about the ulcer, but when he woke up the next day it had already slipped his mind. The night's events came rushing back to him the next day, however, when he opened his mail he found a bill for £100 from the accountant for "consultation services rendered."

Two accountant's were returning home from a client meeting. They took the cheapest seats on the plane so they each were occupying the center seat on opposite sides of the aisle. They continued their discussion of the knotty tax problem that had been the subject of their client meeting through takeoff and meal service until finally one of the passengers in an aisle seat offered to trade places so they could talk and he could sleep. After switching seats, one accountant remarked to the other that it was the first time a tax discussion ever kept anyone awake.

A religious man lying in bed is about to die and as a last request, he summons his lawyer and accountant. When they get there, they ask him why he did not ask for a priest. The man dying said he wanted to die like Jesus - between two thieves.

Taxpayer describing his dilemma...I am involved in a big dispute with the Inland Revenue. I say my car should be 100% deductible, the Inland Revenue says 50%. I use the front seat for business and the back seat for entertainment.

An accountant walked into a bar and ordered two Bloody Mary's, a Black Russian, three Fluffy Ducks, a Long Island Iced Tea, and a beer. As the barman poured each of the drinks the accountant would scull them straight down and wait eagerly for the next. When the accountant finished the beer the bartender shook his head in amazement. "I should not have all that to drink considering what I have got", said the accountant. "Why, what do you have?", asked the barman to which the accountant replied "twenty pence".

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded.Indignant, the man replied, "You cannot do this - I am an Inland Revenue agent!""In that case," replied the robber, "Give me MY money!"

A man and his son enter a restaurant, and the young lad is tossing a coin in the air and catching it in his teeth. As they walk to their table, the lad is bumped by a busy waiter, and the coin gets lodged in his throat.As the boy lays on the ground turning blue, the father shouts, "Help, please someone help - my son is choking to death!', but no one comes to his aid. He continues to scream for help.Finally, a neatly dressed man from across the room gets up from his table, neatly folds his newspaper, and walks towards the boy. He squats down by the lad and takes the lad's family jewels in his right hand and starts to squeeze. Nothing happens. He squeezes a little harder - again no response, so he applys more pressure. Finally, the boy starts to sputter and coughs up the coin, which the man catches in mid air and hands to the father. The father is joyous and shouts, "Oh thank you, sir, thank you. You have saved my son's life. How can I ever repay you. Are you a doctor?""Oh heaven's no", states the man, "I’m with the Inland Revenue - Collections Division."

Interviewer to prospective accounting employee, "We'd like to find somebody who is responsible...""Yes, you've got me! Every time something went wrong, they said I was responsible."

The doorbell, rings, and a man answers it. Here stands this plain but well dressed kid, saying, "Trick or Treat!" The man asks the kid what he is dressed up like for Halloween. The kid replies, "I'm an Inland Revenue agent." Then he takes 40 percent of the man's candy, leaves, and doesn't say thank you.

A pizza shop owner was being audited by the Inland Revenue. The owner asked, "What is wrong? Why am I being audited?" The Inland Revenue auditor replied, "You have got two trips to Europe down as business expenses. What is your explanation?" The pizza shop owner replied, "We deliver!"

One day a woman went for a walk in the park and came across a girl with several puppies. The girl asked, "My puppies are looking for a home. They aren’t quite ready yet, but they will be in a week. Do you want one when they are ready?""They are gorgeous," the woman said. "What kind of dogs are these?""These are bookkeepers," answered the girl. "They can count numbers.""That is amazing," exclaimed the woman, "I’ll talk to my husband."So she went home and told her husband. He was very interested in having one. About a week later, the man and the woman went to the park for a walk and to look for the girl with the puppies. They found the girl playing with the puppies by the pond."Mister, do you want a puppy?" yelled the girl."My wife spoke with you last week. What kind of dogs are these?""These are accountants," said the girl."How come? I thought you said these are bookkeepers," said the woman."Oh," the girl replied. "Last week they just knew how to count. Now, they know how to stretch the numbers."

An auditor is hard at work auditing a manufacturing plant. He spots one worker at the end of the shift, that worker is always carrying a wheelbarrow covered with an opaque cloth. The auditor is certain something is fishy. He asks the security to check the wheelbarrow. After many surprise checks, security finds nothing. On the last day of the audit the auditor goes to the worker and asks, "Alright, I give up. I know you are taking something. I cannot prove it. I do not want to pursue it. I just want to know. What are you stealing?" The worker replies, "Wheelbarrows."

During an audit, the Inland Revenue investigator asked the taxpayer how he managed to purchase such a luxurious villa with such little income. The taxpayer responded with this story.While fishing last summer, I caught a large golden fish. When I took it off of the hook, the fish opened his mouth and said that he was a magical fish. Then the magical fish said to me, if you throw me back to the sea, I will provide you with the most luxurious villa you have ever seen. After thinking about it for a moment, I said ok and threw the magical fish back to the sea and got the villa when I arrived home. The Inland Revenue investigator laughed and asked how could you prove such an unbelievable story? The taxpayer said, "Well, you can see the villa can't you?"

Psychiatrist said to the Inland Revenue investigator on couch: "Nonsense! No way does everyone in the world hate you -- everyone in the UK perhaps, but certainly not everyone in the world."

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. "Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them.""That is the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."

Staff Accountant: The auditors have just left, sir.Financial Director: Did they check the books?Staff Accountant: Very thoroughly.Financial Director: What did they say?Staff Accountant: They want 15 percent to keep quiet.

In a long line of people waiting for a bank cashier, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, “Just what the heck are you doing”? “Well”, said the guy, ”you see, I am a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just cannot help practicing my art”! “That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard”, the guy replied. “I work for the Inland Revenue. Do you see me s****ing the guy in front of me”?

An accountant's car was hit by a bus while returning to work after lunch. The paramedics arrived on the scene and found him to be bleeding profusely from the head. They immediately whisked him away by ambulance to the emergency room. As they were driving away one of the paramedics noticed his right ear was severed off. In a desperate attempt to save the accountants ear, the paramedic immediately contacted the police to try and locate it at the scene of the accident. Just as the doctor was examining the patient in the emergency room, a policeman came running in shouting "I've got the ear"! The accountant looked up at the ear in the plastic bag and said, "That is not my ear". The doctor looking puzzled asked, "What do you mean that's not your ear"? The accountant replied, "Mine had a pencil behind it"!

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"

The woman replies, "I'm a whore."

The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman, "OK, I'm a prostitute."

"No, that is still too crude. Try again."

They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."

A student is told by an accountancy college that he will earn

millions if he enrols for accountancy courses. As he is walking

down the college garden, he sees an old bottle. He picks it up,

pulls out the cork and out pops a genie.

The genie says, "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In

return I will grant you three wishes."

The accountancy student says "Great! I always dreamed of this

and I know exactly what I want. First, I want one billion dollars

in a Swiss bank account."

Poof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with an account

number appears in his hand. He continues, "Next, I want a

brand new red Ferrari right here."

Poof! There is a flash of light and a bright red brand-new Ferrari

appears right next to him.

He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women."

Poof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.

A truck driver would amuse himself by running over accountants. Whenever he saw an accountant walking down the side of the road he would swerve to hit him, enjoy the loud, satisfying "THUMP", and then swerve back onto the road.

(at this point some of you are probably wondering how the trucker could distinguish the accountants from the humans. Obviously he saw the trail of slime they left!)

One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest. "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw an accountant walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the accountant. However even though he was certain he missed the accountant, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that accountant." "That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"

The senior partner of an accounting firm died and was at the gates to Heaven. St. Peter was listing his sins:

1 Overcharging clients

2 Milking trusts and estates

3 Harassing his secretary and staff

4 Making secret profits on property deals

5 Stabbing other partners in the back etc etc

St Peter asks the accountant if he has anything to say. His plea in mitigation is empassioned. He admits his transgressions but says " I've been charitable to the poor." St. Peter checks his book - "Yes", he says, "You once gave £2 to a beggar in Oxford St; and here you gave a 50p to a busker in Leicester Square. After a good deal in Manchester, you tipped a waiter an extra £5." "That's right" says the beaming accountant. St Peter turns to the Angel on his right and says "All things considered...give him his £7.50 back and tell him to go to hell".

What's an accountant's idea of trashing his/her hotel room?

Refusing to fill out the guest comment card.

There once was an accountant who lived her whole life without ever taking advantage of any of the people she worked for. In fact, she made sure that every job she did resulted in a win-win situation.

One day while walking down the street she was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an accountant make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in." said the accountant. "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven"

"Sorry, we have rules..."

And with that St. Peter put the accountant in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and the accountant found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow accountants that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her.

They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times.

They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. The accountant was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven."

So the accountant spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity."

The accountant paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again the accountant went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.

The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the accountant, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled. "That's because yesterday you were a recruit, but today you're staff."

Three partners in an accounting firm go out to lunch. They are the audit partner, the tax partner and the senior partner. One of them sees a brass lamp lying in the gutter. Curious, they pick it up and give it a rub. Instantly, a genie appears.

"You know the deal," says the genie. "Three wishes. But seeing there are three of you, you can have one wish each."

"Great," says the audit partner. "Take me to Hawaii, give me a blonde and an endless supply of condoms and leave me there for ever."

Pouf! There is a flash of light, a puff of smoke and he is gone.

"Now me," says the tax partner. "Take me to the Fiji Islands, give me two blondes and an endless supply of offshore tax schemes and leave me there for ever."

Pouf! There is a flash of light, a puff of smoke and he is gone.

The genie turns to the senior partner. "And what do you want?"

"I want those two back in the office straight after lunch."

Before going on holiday, an Accountant drove his Rolls Royce to a London city bank and went in to ask for a loan of £1,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral. "Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls Royce ", the Accountant said. The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's car park for safe keeping, and gave him £1,000. Two weeks later, the Accountant walked through the bank's doors and asked to settle his loan and get his car back. "That will be £1,000 in principal and £4.25 in interest", the loan officer said. The accountant wrote a cheque and started to walk away. "Wait Sir", the loan officer said, "While you were gone, I found out that you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow £1,000" ? The Accountant smiled and said, "Where else could I safely park my Rolls Royce in London for two weeks and only pay £4.25“!

After his death, the accountant found himself with the devil in a room filled with clocks. Each clock turned at a different speed and was labelled with the name of a different occupation. After examining all the clocks, the accountant turned to the devil and said, "I have two questions. First, why does each clock move at a different speed?""They turn at the rate at which the members of that occupation collectively sin on earth," replied the devil.

"What's your second question?""Well," said the accountant. "I can't seem to find my occupation. Where is the ‘accountant’s clock?"The devil momentarily looked confused, and he started checking the clocks. "They should all be here," he muttered, looking frantically, "It has to be here somewhere... oh, there will be Hell to pay for this."Suddenly, the devil relaxed, slapped himself on the forehead, and exclaimed, "Oh, yes! How silly of me. We keep that clock in the workshop and use it for a fan."

After five years of toil at a London accountants firm, an accountant was burning the midnight oil at his office. Suddenly, there was a flash of light, and a tower of smoke burst from the floor. Satan stepped out of the smoke, and addressed the accountant. "I understand you'd give absolutely anything to make partner," said the devil, "So I've come here to make you an offer. I'll make you a partner, but in return I will take the souls of your wife, your parents, your children, your grandchildren, and all of your friends."The accountant looked strangely puzzled, and thought hard for several minutes. Finally, he turned to Satan and asked, "What's the catch?"

Three people arrive at the gates of heaven and St. Peter greeted them. "Welcome to Heaven. We have simplified the process of admission, and all you need to do to get into Heaven is pass a simple test. Are you ready?"The first person said, "I've prepared for this moment for 73 years.""Okay," said St. Peter, "spell 'God'.""G-O-D.""Very good, enter your eternal reward.""That was easier than I thought it would be," the second person said, "I'll take my test now.""Okay," said St. Peter, "spell 'love'.""L-O-V-E.""Excellent, enter your eternal reward."The third person, an accountant, said, "Boy, is this gonna be a snap. Give me my test.""Okay," said St. Peter, "spell 'prorhipidoglossomorpha'."

An accountant parked at the side of the road, and opened the door of his BMW. Suddenly, a speeding car appeared from nowhere, hitting the door and ripping it off of his car. The accountant was outraged. When the police arrived at the scene, the accountant whined, "Officer, look what that person did to my Beemer! You have to find him and arrest him!""You accountants are so materialistic, you make me sick," the officer snapped. "You're so upset about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off in the accident.""Oh my God....", gasped the accountant, finally noticing the bloody stump where his arm had been. "My Rolex!"

A little old lady went into the headquarters of a large national bank one day, dragging a large bag behind her. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "£165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Madam, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"The old lady replied, "I make bets."The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you £25,000 that your balls are square.""Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?""Sure," said the president, "I'll bet £25,000 that my balls are not square!"The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my accountant with me tomorrow at 10:00am as a witness?""Sure!" replied the confident president.That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00am, the little old lady appeared with her accountant at the president's office. She introduced the accountant to the president and repeated the bet: "£25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them."Well, okay," said the president, "£25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the accountant was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What’s the matter with your accountant?""Nothing," she answered, "Except I bet him £100,000 that at 10:00am today, I'd have the president of this bank's balls in my hand."

A stingy old accountant who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."After much thought and consideration, the man finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased accountant’s wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two pillow cases stuffed with cash. "Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."

An accountant, named Thomas Strange, was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it."Here lies Thomas Strange, an honest man and an accountant," responded the accountant."Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "It's against the law to bury two people in the same grave, and the authorities would be confused. However, I could put 'Here lies an honest accountant.'""But that won't let people know who it is" protested the accountant."Sure they will," replied the stonecutter. "Everyone who reads it will think, 'That's Strange!'"

Two accountants were out hunting when they came upon a pair of tracks. They stopped and examined the tracks closely. The first accountant announced, "Those are deer tracks. It's deer season, so we should follow the tracks and find our prey." The second account responded,"Those are clearly elk tracks, and elk are out of season. If we follow your advice, we'll waste the day." Each man believed himself to be the superior woodsmen, and they both bitterly stuck to their guns. They were still arguing when the train hit them.

A man walked into a bar, leading an alligator by a leash. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve accountants here?""Sure do," said the bartender."Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have an accountant for my 'gator."

An accountant is walking along the beach when he finds an old lamp. He picks it up and rubs it and suddenly, a genie appears.

The genie says, “I am the most powerful genie that ever existed. I have done wonderful things in my time and I can grant you your dearest wish. But only one wish”.

The accountant is a deeply caring person. He pulls out a map of the Mediterranean and says, “My dearest wish is that you solve the Middle East problem”.

The genie strokes his beard and looks worried. “Oh dear, that’s a bother, those people have been fighting each other for centuries. Everybody has tried to solve that problem without success. I’m not sure I can do any better. You’d better have another wish”.

“All right”, says the Accountant. “The Inland Revenue have asked me to redesign the Tax Return Form so that everyone can understand it. Can you help me with that?”

There is a long silence. Finally the genie says “Let’s have a look at that map again”.

A firm of British Accountants decided to engage in a competitive boat race with a Japanese firm. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.

The British team was discouraged by this loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action.

The consultant’s finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the British team had one person rowing and eight people steering. After a year of study and thousands spent analysing the problem, the British team’s management structure was completely reorganised. The new structure; four steering managers, three area steering managers and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat as an incentive.

The next year, the Japanese won by two miles!

Humiliated, the British firm laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.

What did the Accountant say to his young son after reading him a nursery rhyme?

No son, When Little Bo Peep lost her sheep, it wasn’t tax deductible. But I like your thinking.

An accountant is having dinner with his wife to celebrate his retirement. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife: “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our sixth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. “Now I want to assure you that the last 40 years have been the most wonderful experience I could ever have hoped for, and your answer cannot take all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?”

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed: “Yes, Yes he did”. The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye, he asks: “Who? Who was he? Who was the father?” Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then finally, she says “You”.

A beautiful woman entered a bar and sat next to an accountant. "Listen honey," she said, "For £50, I'll do absolutely anything you want."The accountant pulled fifty pounds from his wallet and said, "Paint my house."

A well dressed accountant went into a bar to quench his thirst after a long day doing tax returns. He sat down, ordered and began to drink his beer. Almost immediately he heard a strange high-pitched voice say, "Nice tie!" Looking around, he could not discover the source of the voice. Next he heard, "Your taste in clothes is impeccable!" The accountant's eyes darted about the bar, searching. Nothing! And shortly thereafter, "You are obviously a very intelligent man!" Again he could not figure out who was talking or where the voice was coming from. The accountant could not understand what was going on, so he called the bartender over and said, "I keep hearing voices! Where the hell are they coming from?" The bartender smiled, "Oh, don't let the voices bother you, sir... It's just those complimentary peanuts."

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.

"Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."

"Have you tried counting sheep?"

"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."

How do Accountants do it?

Accountants do it by the book.Accountants do it within budget.Accountants do it to the bottom line.Accountants do it with double entries.Accountants do it between spreadsheets.Accountants are Certified to do it in Public.Accountants do it without losing their balance.

A few weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms 51:2-4 (knowing my own hidden secrets) and Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a taxpayer wrote the following letter to the Inland Revenue.I have been unable to sleep knowing that I cheated on my income tax return. I understated my taxable income and have enclosed a cheque for £150. If I still cannot sleep, then I will send the rest.

The accountant had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time. The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach. Suddenly she piped up, "Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or a long-term capital gain?"

What's a shy and retiring accountant?

An accountant who is half a million shy and that's why he's/she's retiring.

An accountant spends a week at his new office with the accountant he is replacing. On the last day the departing accountant tells him that he has left two envelopes in the desk drawer and that the envelope numbered 1 should be opened if he encounters any sort of crisis in the job. If a further crisis occurs he should open the envelope numbered 2.

Three months down the track there is a major drama, all the accounts are wrong- you know what it's like - and the accountant feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and finds and opens the first envelope. The message inside says, "Blame me." He does this and gets off the hook.

Three months later there is another crisis and he opens the second envelope. The message says, "Write two envelopes".

Once upon a time there was a beautiful oil company. All day long she loved to run up and down the share price list, laughing and skipping. But one day she was very sad, because she couldn't find an interim dividend anywhere and she knew people would be very angry if she couldn't produce it.

"What's wrong, little oil company?" said a gruff voice nearby.

She looked around and there was a funny little creature with spectacles, a bald patch and shaving cuts.

"I can't find a dividend," she said and started crying again.

"Don't worry," said the creature. "I can find you one."

"How?" said the oil company, "And who are you?"

"I'm an accountant," he said. "As for how I do it, never you mind about that. But there's one condition. If I do find it for you, you must agree to let me stay with you."

"Yes, yes!" she said, anxious only to get the dividend.

The accountant disappeared into some books nearby and stayed there for a while. She could hear him muttering and tut-tutting and transferring accounts. Then he emerged and put his long sloping hand into hers.

"I've found you a dividend," he said.

Her usual cheerfulness returned in an instant and she rushed off to tell her father, the Chairman. She forgot all about the accountant until he followed her in and reminded her of her promise; despite all her tears, her father insisted that she keep her word and that night the little accountant slept on the floor beside her bed.

The next morning she opened her eyes and to her amazement she saw the accountant was exactly the same as he had been before.

"I know what you're thinking," smiled the accountant. "You're quite right. Before I was changed into an accountant I was a handsome young man with a devil-may-care attitude and considerable joie de vivre."

"Then change back!" said the oil company, clapping her hands.

"Are you crazy?" said the accountant. "Handsome young men are two a penny but clever, ugly little accountants are worth their weight in gold."

Top 10 Signs You might be an Accountant if:

10. If you wear both braces and a belt...9. If you think conversation with actuaries and engineers is stimulating...8. If no one's ever told you, "Nice tie"...7. If all the money in your wallet faces the same direction...6. If taking your spouse on a cruise means getting 20 hours of CPE...5. If your three favourite business suits are all blue...4. If you have the Institute on speed dial...3. If you refer to friends and neighbours as clients...2. If you have a file of blank taxi and restaurant receipts in your desk...1. If you're still using an abacus because you think Microsoft Excel is a fad... might be an accountant!

To the optimist, the glass is half full.To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.To the accountant, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be

One afternoon, a wealthy accountant was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the side of the road. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then."

"But, sir, I have a wife and two children!"

"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.

"But, sir, I have a wife and six children!", the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!"

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as a limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The accountant replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two inches tall."

An auditor was hard at work auditing an airline. The auditor could not understand an excess fuel consumption on a Detroit to Erie route, for flight no. 420. The auditor contacts the pilot and demands an explanation. The pilot replies, "It was a late night, snow storm was raging, and I lost my bearings." The auditor demanded a statement. "For what?" the pilot asks. The auditor tells him "for lost bearings."

An accountant lies dying, his partner of 40 years by his bedside. "Jack, I've got to confess. I've been sleeping with your wife for 30 years and I'm the father of your daughter, Hillary. On top of that, I've been stealing from the firm for a decade."

"Relax, " says Jack, "and don't think another thing about it. I'm the one who put arsenic in your martini."